Tough choices and good blessings
Posted by Edward Karani , Monday, April 26, 2010 6:51 AM
Decisions have to be made, and toughs one at that, David’s death had reminded Anne that she did have forever to live and all she had was a day, maybe minutes. Four weeks into her first semester as a fourth year student at the university of Nairobi, she had decided, that for a long time she had been a double minded young woman all the while that she had been in campus most of the time was spent being jealous of Mercy and other girls because they seemed to have everything that she did not have, boyfriends, good looks, you name them. There had been no time that Mercy had been without a boyfriend in campus, yet for Anne she had never dated anyone in campus. They never seemed to come her way. It seemed she would graduate without a boyfriend, in and out of campus. But now she was glad they never did come her way, she had blamed her short stature, bad genes, her sister had gotten married at 35, and at some point, the youth pastor wanted them to pray against that spirit of ‘unattractiveness’ or a demon, that had been her problem all along, wanting to be loved and accepted by people, now she knew that the most important part was accepting herself. She looked at the mirror in her room and smiled. She had been trying so hard, now as Casting Crowns would put it.
“She was trying so hard,
To stop trying so hard.”
A few months earlier, she had bought a pencil jeans trouser which she wore with a very nice fitting top, and the eyes of many men turned, one even asked for a number, looking good was great, it made her feel good and confident, now she knew that looking great was essential, but it should never be the epitome of her confidence.
“I should not date someone just because they look great,” she breathed in, her literature book was open, she was supposed to be working on an assignment, but her mind could not help but wonder, a packet of chips lay on the bed near her books.
“ I may not have known this Lord, but I would love to get married to someone like David, “ she smiled and glanced outside. “ I mean, Lord, the least you could have done is to allow him to get married. I would have loved to attend the wedding, and see who the lucky bride would have been.”
She almost laughed, knowing David and the life that he lived, if he had a chance to come back to earth, he wouldn’t. He was now the bride.
“ I am prepared to wait for the perfect one for me, “ she went on, “ who when he sees me, will proclaim, at last here comes bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.”
Anne had come to realize that perfect did not mean ‘tall dark and handsome,’ or ‘ordinary’ or ‘short,’ or ‘moneyed,’ or any other thing, she realized that perfect meant, a man or woman who would see something more in her, other than looks and dressing, it might be along wait, but why get married only to be divorce later, or coming to realize much later, that marriage was the biggest mistake of your life, she did not want that, and if a man was ashamed of her, then she would not date him.
Jason, her former roommates boyfriend had come to visit her a day earlier, now that the school of medicine had closed until January, her room mate had already moved out, Jason was just taking advantage of the situation, she let him in. She showed him the chair but he chose to sit on the bed, seeing the books, he thought she would also sit with him, but this time, she sat on the chair, far way from him.
“ How have you been?” he asked her. “ Aki nimekumiss,” (I have really missed you.)
Anne saw the look on his face, one of lust; she knew what he wanted,
“I haven’t changed my number,” she said coldly. “ Remember, Anne with gentleness and respect,” she reminded herself, she wanted to be really nice but honest with Jason, yes, he was handsome, even Jeremy the Kenyan big brother housemate did not match up to him, he almost looked like a pointee (half cast), but she did not love him, and was not attracted to him, he really did look as though he was high on something.
“ Sorry, if I have not called,” he began rubbing his hands together. “ I wanted to break up with Julie first.”
Anne wanted to laugh, but it was anger instead that filled her heart, Jason had lied, they were very much together, her former room mate had called a few day earlier and had mentioned something about Jason visiting her parents.
“Ah,” she began; she wanted to tell him off. “ Then why did you visit her at home.” she felt her heart burst out. May be he wanted her parents to be part of the break up too.
“ Now you and me can be together,” he told her. “ Aki Anne, I love you so much,”
Anne could see that he wanted to shift from his position he seemed restless.
Even before Anne could speak, he moved over to her chair and pushed her gently and sat at the edge of the chair. But this time it was different, she did not feel anything, she was in control of her body. She got up and sat on her bed, Jason followed her, she moved back to her chair, and Jason got up.
“Zi! (NO!) She exclaimed. “ Sit down.”
He seemed shock.
“ Sit!” she said in a stern voice.
“Jason,” she breathed in, she did not want to hurt him. “ We,” she pointed to him and her as though he did not understand English. “ Cannot, and will never be together.”
Jason seemed shock.
“But…”
She cut him short.
“I know you went to meet Julie’s parents,”
A look of guilt filled his face.
“I know you love Julie,” she said with conviction, “and you want to marry her at some point, so the big question is why are you wasting my time? What do you want Jason?”
Jason was speechless.
Anne got up. “I do not want to be your mapango wa kando (the other woman), not now not ever.”
Jason got up and stood next to her, he took her hand but she pulled away. “ I really do love you, Anne.”
Anne was now at the point of satire.
“ You don’t love me, you lust after me,” she told him blankly. Jason tried to place her hand around her but she violently shoved him away. “There is a difference, between love and lust.”
“We are done Jason,” she told him frankly. Jason began to walk towards the door.
“Jason,” Anne called him suddenly, he turned hoping for a change of heart. “HIV is real and it is your duty to protect yourself and Julie, it doesn’t chose, be careful, why are you destroying your life.”
Jason was stunned at her brutal honesty, he had multiple partners, but he was always safe, he loved Julie, but he had gotten carried away, his lecturer had lied to him that man must live and he cannot live without it.
“Please, stay away from me Jason,” she told him. “ I am a wrong number.”
Andrew, the married man had tried to contact her, but she ignored his calls, eventually she sent him a message.
“ Please, you are married, respect your wife, and stop chasing after women.”
He had sent her a message in response.
“I admire that you respect marriage, I got married to the wrong woman, you are the one.
She never replied, he sent her money via Mpesa, 20000 Kenya shillings as a sign of commitment, did she return the money to him, no! She withdrew every single cent out and deposited the money into Mercy’s account who did not have any place to go, her parents had heard the rumors, they had gone to see her in school, apparently, someone had sent them an anonymous test message that she was HIV positive and was going to die very soon.
“How,” her mother was screaming. Her father had never set foot in her room ever since she joined school that was his first and last time.
Her father just stood behind his mother quietly with her two sisters and brother, behind him. Anne was at the door, while Mercy was seated down, she knew if her father got anywhere near her, he would definitely kill her, no wonder her mother was standing between them.
“ Mercy, why did you do this to us?” her mother asked. “What shame is this…” her father the revered reverend doctor bishop Mark patted his wife on the back, indicating that it was his turn, as the judge of the household to give out his verdict, deliver a ruling, her two younger sisters and brother, looked scared, as an elder sister, Mercy felt she had failed them terribly.
“Mercy,” he called her.
Getting up. “ Yes father.”
“From today onwards,” he began, Mercy looked at him with uncertainty. “ Do not call me father anymore.”
Her destiny was sealed.
“I don’t want to see you in my house, church, any of my businesses, or talking to any of my children,” he pointed at her siblings behind him. “You are a shame and a disgrace, and I want you to know that I have disowned you too, a waste of money, and you can be certain of this when you die, we will throw your body to the dogs.”
He left, he was running late for a miracle service that was intended to heal people with HIV/Aids.
It was tough week for Mercy, with no family and friends to turn too, no money, she did start to appear weakly, maybe that’s what they call stigma, but when they describe it, in the newspapers, it does not seem so bad, until you experience or see someone going through the pain of rejection.
The row that Mercy sat in the TV room, there was no one else except for Anne, and nobody wanted to sit next to her, as long as she was there, no matter, how crowded it was, there was always space, even when she moved away, they thought the some of the germs remained behind and they avoided that row. It killed Anne to see the pain, humiliation and rejection that Mercy was going through.
She did tell Mark, her boyfriend about her status, and that became the ugliest break up in campus, ever. He had literally attacked her; Mercy was saved by the fact that Anne was headed to her room. The pain of betrayal in his eyes was confident.
Mercy wanted to defer schooling for a bit, but the week that followed, Anne and her went for counseling, and she decided to face HIV head on. She started a support group for students with HIV, it was really Anne’s idea, and they placed it on the notice in all the hostels. They would meet in secret places, out of campus and they all needed a card to prove that they were positive, because of the stigma associated with HIV, with the hope that one day, they would walk around freely in school, in those four weeks a lot had happened, Mercy was learning to accept, her new status as she made new friends, who really did understand her fears. Anne provided them with the literature they needed, Mercy had promised herself that she would be there the years that followed to orient the first years about HIV/Aids from a personal experience. They had big dreams, and Andrew had provided them with capital, Anne and Mercy kept laughing at that, if Andrew had known sending her money would not move her in any way, he would have send her any. Their group had met twice and they really did encourage one another.
While Mercy was learning to live positively, Anne was learning to live as a person affected by HIV, and not to be scared that if she helped her friend, she might get infected. Slowly but surely they were getting to the place where they wanted to be. Where it wasn’t about what her youth pastor or the people in her life said, it was about God.
But the toughest decision Anne made was to keep on pursuing her dreams; she wrote it down in big letters in her prayer journal and made a prayer.
“It is not easy, this dream in my heart Lord.”
She breathed, “ but I will run after it with my whole heart, because eventually I will catch it.”
She sang a song by Newsboys that made her song made her heart glad: -
“Lord, I don’t know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt.’
She would not give up. “I will chase it to the point of death, that is the only time that I am ever going to give myself rest from all these, but it will not cause me to worry.”
She smiled, her greatest fear had been dying without accomplish her dreams, or being an old woman, and still not having accomplished her dreams, and they were still big, she realized that was wrong, the effort and the determination counted the most that the accomplishment, at seventy she would still be chasing after a dream, then at death she could proudly stand before the Lord and say.
“I have run the good race and I have fought the fight.” With a smile on her face knowing she did everything that she could possibly do.
The journey home that Saturday, Anne was singing her favorites song out loudly, she loved soft rock, and it was “million pieces’ by Newsboys, with ear phones in her ears, she did not notice the young man seated next to her, he seemed to be singing along too to the song. They both alighted at the same stage. When Adrian saw Anne he felt like a new man, who was all too marveled by a young woman singing a song from the same band he happened to like, he could feel at some point that his heart had stopped beating. Anne had by that point taken off her ear phones and was trying to cross the road still singing, waiting for the road to be clear. Adrian standing next to her, she still had not noticed him.
“ They all fall like a million raindrops,”
Adrian sang the next part.
“ Falling from the blue sky, kissing your cares goodbye.”
Anne turned surprised, at the site of Adrian singing her favorite song, stuck in her mind, she was awestruck, and words failed her.
“You like newsboys too?” he asked.
“Ye…” she cleared her throat. “ Yes, a lot.”
“Me too,” his eyes lit up too, Anne could not help but blush, she could tell from the way he talked about the band, he was totally smitten just like her.
“I love, ‘he reigns and I need you,’” he went on. “ I need you, I need you, I need you.” He started singing.
“ You’re all am living for.” She found herself singing too, this time they both blushed.
“I have to go,” she turned to cross the road hurriedly, almost getting hit by a car, but Adrian pulled her back.
“Hey,” he safely made sure nothing happened to her.
“ I am sorry,” she was nervous.
“ It’s okay,” he told. “ So did you go for their concert, I think it was in Feb or March?”
“Yes,” she told him. “ It was awesome.”
He took her hand, gently like a gentleman helped her to cross the road. She did not resist, there was a peace in her heart that surpassed all understanding, like she had found something that she had been looking for so badly.
“By the way,” he said as they crossed the road. “ I’m Adrian.”
She turned to smile at him.
“Anne.”
And the rest as they say is history because she gave him her number immediately they reached the other side of the road.
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