Mother Knows best
Posted by Social Matters , Wednesday, June 15, 2011 6:14 AM
Dear Daughter,
It is with great pride that I write these words of wisdom however little they might seem. I am so proud that you have blossomed into a beautiful and lovely woman, well educated, having a good job, and living alone, though I do not like this idea of you being independent. A daughter should stay in her father’s house until she is given over to her husband who is then charged with looking and taking care of her. I was very angry when your brother informed me you had moved from his house and you were living alone.
‘What young woman lives alone?’ I asked your father angrily.
I was so scared of what people were going to say about you, I wanted to defend your dignity because I knew even if you have always been hard-headed, you have never been a loose woman, but how could I convince them of that, yet you were living alone. Regardless of how many times I told you of how tricky men are, a woman living alone is like a lone mango tree in the middle of the desert, for all who are hungry to climb and share in the sweetness of its fruits. But my daughter how long would that fruit tree last. As attractive as it seems in the desert, what man wants to remain behind in the desert and take care of it, they would rather look for those in other men’s garden. These men have nothing to lose, you on other hand, will lose your dignity, what man will want to marry a woman living alone. But you would not listen.
Now you say that you are getting married, your father and I are both overjoyed that is why I am writing to you a few words of wisdom, because I want your marriage to last as many years as your father and I have. Getting married is like buying a car, you need to work extra hard to maintain it, you need to fuel it, so as to keep the engine going. That car can only take you as far as you want it to. Your marriage will only last as long as you want to, my daughter.
My daughter, the key to a good marriage is submission, how many times did you see me trying to act as the head of the household? Weren’t your father’s decision final? No matter how stupid a man is you must obey him. I know you are stubborn but if you really love this man then you will submit to him.
Being an educated career woman I am sure you are thinking of hiring a girl to help you around the house. Don’t! My daughter it is an abomination for a strange woman to serve your husband food, wash his clothes, make your bed and even cook his food. Don’t even think about it, lest you will find that since she is doing all these wifely duties she had replaced you, in your matrimonial bed as well.
You do remember what my younger sister and my close confidant, almost made away with your father, yet she had come to help me after giving birth to your younger brother. Remember how your father disappeared for days on end. It ended up with your father having to marry as my co-wife. I am sure you know what that did to the relationship between my sister and I. All this women you keep bringing to your home insisting that they are your friends; you need to let them all go as soon as you are married.
Judy, every single woman’s dream is to get married to a man, it does not matter what kind of man. And they will try and steal him from you if they can. Do not give them a chance.
My daughter, I have known you to be very argumentative, ever since you were born you have always wanted to have an opinion please do not involve in such with your husband, he is the head of the home and everything he says goes. The again your independent woman mentality has to disappear, please never say ‘I am tired,’ or ‘I don’t know’ to your husband especially when he asks you what you are having for supper. Judy you are an African woman and the essence of every African woman is hard work, why should you pretend to be different. When you come home from work, shed off the working woman mentality wrap a leso around your waist and become a wife and a mother. Your feminist views you will find least important in the kitchen.
Lastly, I am a woman, I am growing old, but you have made me happy, especially now that you are getting married. But if the day comes and your husband lays his hand on you and beats you. Do not be alarmed, at times as women we act like children and we need discipline, please do not despise discipline, do not come running back to your father and me. Accept it, go to your bedroom and cry, wipe away your tears and then serve your husband well. Men discipline women, it’s their nature.
I was beaten by your father for over twenty years; it had made me more mature hasn’t it. Back then I behaved like a child and the beatings have made me wiser, truth be told, at times as a woman you cannot help but behave like a child, we gossip, we engage in activities that bring our husbands to shame, and men are cannot understand why we behave the way we. So Judy in the end remember the following: -
• Men are sexual creatures, they cannot stay without sex, my daughter, your man will stray, but no matter how much he strays, he will always come back home to you. I have known your father has had so many women throughout our time together but at the end of the day he always came back home to me. The affairs have hurt me, but at no point have I ever attacked any of the women that he has been dating. Do you remember Halima your friend? You brought her home one day, and she served your father a lot especially during those periods when I was upcountry. You thought she was your friend, right? There are times as a woman the urge just dies out but for men they cannot control it. My daughter did you ever lack in anything while you were living with your father. He gave you everything, as long as you love and respect your man, he will always be there for you and your children.
• Men want a submissive woman, one who will follow and obey them, my daughter, I was a highly educated primary school teacher did I not give up everything when your father was transferred to another district. I followed him with my whole heart. Daughter if your husband wants you to quit your job, he knows what is right for you and would never ask you to do something that would be wrong for you. Then again it is his duty to provide for you and your offspring. So quit your job and stay and home if that is what is required of you.
• Children are the foundation of a marriage; you have always been outspoken in your desire to have one child, but my daughter that is not your decision. If your husband wants ten, let him have them. Then again what is marriage without children anyway? Then what will people say you are doing when you retire to bed. Words have no place in the marriage bed and sleep is only secondary.
• Expect nothing from your husband. I know like every other modern woman you want your husband to treat you like a queen. But that is not the reason why men get married so that they pamper a woman, such a man can only be deemed as weak, daughter men are like children and they need somebody to take care of them as well as help in continuing their lifeline, a woman without children is ridiculed in society, do not wish to be one of them.
• NEVER initiate sex, let the man do this, otherwise they might think that you are a loose woman. Never forget your place.
Daughter did I hear you say that you are not going to change your last name, what did you mean by that? Judy, Jack is marrying you, you are not marrying him, remember that he has even paid dowry for you, do not disgrace us by refusing to accept the name of the man who is your husband.
I have a lot more to say to you my daughter but I hope this will help you in your first year of marriage. These precious gems were passed on to me by my mother and I am passing them to you my daughter, remember it’s only a fool who ignores the counsel of the wise. I wrote this letter because I knew you would listen to anything I say. I hope your marriage will be filled with lots of children and happiness. I will always LOVE YOU my daughter.
From your Mother
PS remember from now on you are no longer part of this family, his mother is now your mother and his family your family. I am only telling you all these because I love you.
