From time immemorial, society takes
delight in blaming men for every single thing that happens to women. Truthfully,
no one forces women to do most of these things, especially since we are in the
21st century; women do them because they really want to. We cater to
men because we love to and believe it’s our birth right; we get married because
our bodies and biology demands it. Here are some of the things that we need to
stop blaming men for:-
1. Pregnancy / unwanted pregnancy; I think it is
time we changed the definition of unwanted pregnancy to a situation where ‘a
woman falls pregnant despite doing everything in her power to prevent it.’ Come
on girls, if you have no desire to be a single parent or become a bitter man
hating woman, you have to stop sleeping with every single guy that says ‘I will
marry you when you get pregnant’ ‘I will take care of our baby’ testosterone
does weird things to men, just like estrogen during that time of the month. We are living in the era of equality ladies,
if you do not want to get pregnant, please don’t.
2. Losing our figures; ‘I lost my
figure carrying your baby.’ ‘Look at what men do to women’s bodies.’ Come
on ladies! 98% of women love having babies. And if by any chance we fail to get
babies as soon as we want we panic and just the thought that we may not be able
to get babies is enough to kill us. And when women get babies they become the
centre of their universe. We lose our figures not for men or because of men but
because we really really realllly want it!!! We need to stop blaming men for this
one.
3. Lose of career, when women commit to a man, they
tend to lose their senses. At times they give up their careers to take care of
their men and children. I think that is beautiful and family must come first,
but in the world of over 50% divorce rates, you must prepare for the future and
at times we are holding on to men and relationships that we know they will
never work.
4. Boob jobs, Skin lightening creams, weaves. ‘I am so sick
and tired of hearing ‘men want curvy women’ ‘African men prefer the yellow
yellows’ ‘men want women with bigger butts.’ Women have body issues yes, at times
they have nothing to do with men but with our deeply rooted insecurities so do
men like the one below.
5. Women as sexual objects ;
The people who
make us believe that we are sexual objects are the people closest us, our
female friends and relatives. Ever attended a bridal shower with all those all
knowing female relatives and friends, how many times do they remind us that we
are sexual objects and we must be available to please our husbands desire. It is us women who let each other know that we
are sexual objects and we will pass it down for the generations to come. Look
at some of the most powerful women in the world and how they dress, look at the
women who are the most richest and powerful and the ones all the little girls
want to be. Surely we cannot blame men for this as well.
6. Losing our friends when in a committed relationship
with a man
‘You must drop your single female
friends,’
this phrase mostly comes from our female friends. We are mostly advised that
women are our enemies and when you realise that your man has a life and you don’t,
you blame him.
7. Non-payment of dowry: -
This must be the most common argument in
Kenyan households. ‘Amekataa kunilipa
mahari’ this argument often starts a couple of years after living together.
By this time, there are children involved and the whole world knows that you
are his wife. That is when you realise that your parents need to be respected
and they say ‘umekataa kulipa.’ You
cannot make an honest man out of a man who is not. You are the one with the
problem because 1. You moved in with guy when he had not paid dowry for you 2.
You gave birth to his children and willingly named them after his side of the
family or the names he had chosen 3. You have never discussed dowry with this
man 4. You waited until he had both feet in before you started making dowry
demands.
Men are not responsible for everything
wrong that happen in womensville, women need to be responsible for their own
actions. Maybe it’s time we shared responsibility for the choices that we make.
Maybe it’s time we realised that society is the way it is, because of the
mistakes men and women are making. We cannot escape from this, women, we must
share the responsibility equally.
As a woman I times feel guilty off
playing roles that men are supposed to play. I have been made to feel guilty of
playing leadership roles, having an opinion, having sexual feelings and most
importantly having dreams. There are times when I ask myself ‘Am I not supposed
to have dreams other than those of domesticity? But my heart burns up with
dreams from the time I was a little girl; surely I did not put them there?’
There are lies that women are made to believe but they remain that, lies. They include:
-
1.
Women cannot be
leaders:
- when the Nancy Barasa incident happened, one of my male friends wrote on
facebook ‘that is why women can never be leaders.’ It’s easy to forget that male leaders have done worse,
they have been accused of rape, they have several wives, they have fathered
children all over, they are involved in drug trafficking, they are busy
defiling and impregnating young girls but one woman messes up and the whole
country declares ‘women cannot be leaders.’ Society tends to hold women on a
higher scale than men, thus women leaders are walking on egg shells most of the
time. This is a lie, women can be leaders. When women stand for what they
believe they called arrogant and are bundled out of public offices.
2.
Women in power
tend to act like men: - This is because strong, aggressive, bold, and powerful
are all characteristics that are engendered, in simple terms, these terms are
more masculine that they are feminine. This is not true, if you are in power
you will act differently than other women, just like men in power act differently
than other men. Being bold and aggressive and standing for your rights does not
make you ‘man’ it just makes you a strong woman. This lie is propagated by
people who think women are nurturing and so in leadership they are also
supposed to be meek and mellow.
3.
Women are their
worst own enemies:
- women are home wreckers, they steal each other’s men, they backstab each
other. This is a lie. Adultery is consensual. The man and the woman involved
are guilty. If your husband moved in with someone else, blame him, after all,
he took the vows with you. It’s amazing how Bien of Sauti Sol can proclaim his
love for a married woman and no one is shouting ‘home wrecker! Prostitute! Gold
digger!’ What are they saying to him ‘kutangulia siyo kufika.’ ‘If she was
meant to be yours…’ Now imagine if a woman did the same, declared their love
for a prominent person who is married ‘prostitute, gold digger, home wrecker.’ It
would cause an uproar! She would be subjecting herself to endless abuse. In
fact it’s okay for men to have standards where potential wife must be
beautiful, hardworking, a good cook, and ready to pop them babies but when
women declare their standards, hardworking = lazy woman, gold digger, good
looking men = no wonder she is single. Perfect men don’t exist women are told,
but perfect women exist, society tells us.
4.
Women are weak;
-
I once went to Turkana a couple of year ago with an Eritrean archeologist, and
from the word go, he was uncomfortable with my gender. When we got there, he
took his time to remind me I was female and practically useless to him. I was
hurt, did he come all the way from Eritrea, wait the U.S. to tell me, I was
weak. He further showed me who he thought was the strongest guy in the group
and then he said ‘I would have rather have one of him than two you.’ He went on
‘I am sorry, you may not like it but that is the truth, you are weak.’ Not that
he had seen me working or anything but he just assumed. I think I cried a bit,
I was really hurt, observe first and then judge. The good news is that one week
later, he apologized. He said ‘you actually work hard and pull your weight.’ I
am not bragging but I made sure when the vehicle was stuck in the sand, I was
there pushing it, I carried my field equipment, I walked for 22km without
tiring during archaeological explorations, I simply worked my butt off in the
hot Turkana sun. Soon I was part of the team, I was no longer weak. I was a
valuable team member. Women are not weak, remember in the Kamba community women
were long distance traders, presently African women carry so much weight in
their life time and so they are likely to suffer from brittle bone diseases in
their old age more than men. You are not weak!
5.
Women are not
sexual creatures: -
what a big lie. Women have been taught to mask their sexual fantasies because
we are women. The only time women are supposed to be open about their sexual
feelings is if they are commercial sexual workers. Women cannot say they want
sex, they can only hint and we all know men do not get hints. There are women
addicted to porn and sex but may not be able to get help because those are male
problems. After all women don’t want sex.
We need to stop
judging women based on cultural stereotypes. Yes the world is going to hell and
we are all to blame not women!
