ATI, IT ALL MEANS WHAT?!? KENYAN WEDDINGS By Soni Kariuki
Again Kenyan weddings and how they will never make sense…please this is for all the brides, and future brides as well as wanna-be brides, answer the following questions for me: -
• What is the importance of wearing a white flowing overpriced gown that you cannot even walk in, or even use in future, what does it even mean anyway? Purity and what the hell is that! Because in the 21st century that doesn’t make sense. Well, that gown has lost meaning completely.
• What is the need ya kutolewa kwa wenyewe because kwenyu ni mbali…this seems like something that used to happen in the traditional African set-up that has been fixed into a ceremony borrowed from the Western Culture. Saa hata kama inarepresent the bride kutolewa kwao na si kwao how does it help. Lazima bride aendewe! Kwani hajui church ni wapi? When will the misery end for the guest wedding for a bride to arrive from North Eastern or even worse the bride refusing to married because her family is travelling all the way from Meru to Nairobi and they are still a couple of hours away.
• Why do the bride and groom cut cake? So it’s their first meal as a couple, how about the food they had already partaken during the reception, shouldn’t that be the first meal ideally, yet we don’t see them taking the first bite, oh wait we do, especially when the bride is biting into that drum stick reminding the guest that they queued for one hour at did not even get a bottle of water.
Then why is it that it’s a woman who is not the bride who informs us of the ingredients and colours on the cake like we cannot see the colours for ourselves, while giving us descriptions on what the colours are supposed to mean in that context. I say this with all due respect. JUST CUT THE CAKE!
Still why does the bride have to taste salt on ‘food’ most likely and 95% of the times have no idea how to prepare it. Why can’t the groom taste for the ‘salt.’ Kwani his taste buds are dead.
Halafu why do parents get a whole cake for take away yet in most occasions the cake is not enough.
• If I received an invitation card to attend the wedding as a guest, why do the bride and groom act like they the guest, eating all the good food. While I have to queue in a line and mostly missing out on most of the dishes, soda and water.
• Now what do these rings mean, are they even in the Bible if they are a sign of a covenant. Yani hii tradition ilitoka wapi?
• Halafu the wedding vows, who came up with these vows, and why can’t they be changed to reflect the 21st Century. Shouldn’t people be arrested for saying ‘for better for worse’ and then divorce over irreconcilable differences?
• Now, why would an average person throw a wedding worth 1.2M, ambazo amechangiwa na maneighbours halafu after the wedding, this couple is absolutely broke.
• Why would I pay over 200,000/- for some curtains to be put up in my wedding in the name of Wedding Deco?
• Why does the wedding food always ungua.
• What does a high table mean in the African context
• Now that divorce rates are so high should young girls have more than three dream weddings? Coz there is chance watakuwa married zaidi ya hiyo.
A wedding in a ceremony where two people want to make the day, not what it means memorable by impressing their friends using the money that the very friends have contributed. It’s a social event that peers use to judge each other and try to undo each other.
Pssst… a kind word to all the bridezillas and brides to be, relax, unless you have so much money, all have so many people with money to waste around you. Concentrate on the morning after the wedding… The rest of your life.
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9:17 AM
A Note to my In-Law by Mary Muthoni Kariuki
Richard it’s with great pleasure that I congratulate you on your engagement to my sister Joy. I received the news of your engagement and upcoming wedding with great joy and excitement. Nonetheless I was not shocked having keenly observed your courtship over the last ten years, for a while I was convinced your relationship was about to become like the relationships of those people who prefer to date for eight to ten years before deciding to get married to someone else. Well the two of you proved me long, though I have no idea how you did it, considering it was on and off and though you met in this glorious country the last nine and a half years of your relationship were carried out on the internet. I guess for the two of you it was absence making the heart grow fonder and not out of sight and out mind. I tried to make her forget about you to no avail, I guess that is why on a day like tomorrow you will be man and wife.
Since you are getting married to one of my family members and having lived with the said bride-to-be for not less than twenty years I thought I might prepare you for what to expect when you get married. The information I am about to provide is way better than the short premarital counseling that you are attending, as a matter of fact after I am done you might find it to be a bit meaningless and impractical, and loving my sister all so much, I am sure you will find it very useful. After all loving my sister is an art rather than a physical deed.
My sister is a typical African woman, to the very sense of the word, she prefers to do everything for her man, his washing, cooking, and looking after his children, while he brings home the bread and butter, but since she is working and considering the present economic situation I am sure she will keep working but you can rest assured while the house help will cook, clean, she will serve your food and make sure all your clothes are ironed and the maid might never know where you bedroom door is unless you show her of course. This stemming from the fear that all African women have, that unless you do all the household work for the man in your life, he will cheat on you with the woman who is doing all these for him. Having lived in Africa for such a long time and at least having some basic education we know that that notion plus the other one of ‘men are polygamous creatures,’ are just but myths. I am yet to meet a man who is amazed by my Ugali cooking skills. No man has ever told me, or their wife. ‘I see the way you turn that mwiko and I loose my senses.’ I am not afraid of such excuses that men give but lucky you, you are not getting married to me. All I am trying to say that if it’s an African woman you are looking for, you got her. And it must be, I mean ten years and still available, that you came running to your first love, the other form of nonsense I find so hard to believe.
My sister is hardworking, at times too hardworking for her own good, like keep the house neat even when we are not expecting visitors; she is also illustrious as she enjoys keeping her house (my parents’ house) in order, at times unnecessarily.
Knowing you and the fact that you are typical male looking for an African woman, the one who cannot look you in the eye, look no further, ‘Submit’ is that the word that my sister tries to instill me ,that women should submit to their husbands, so you struck gold, though for the life of me, she is very stubborn so don’t even try and think that you will have your own way. You might not.
Culinary Skills: This girl loves to cook but it does not come out as it is supposed to come out, so here are some of the words you might need to muster because her cook book is very different. It’s the thought that counts. Though be warned, variety lacks a lot, don’t you even think about buying a fridge unless Githeri is your favourite meal.
• Smoked uncooked Ugali: - I’m not sure you have tasted this yet, but it basically raw Ugali that tastes like smoke and has some brownish patches in them. And off course she cannot cook Ugali on three stones leave alone any other dish. Well to be fair to her she puts all her efforts into it, I am convinced cooking Ugali is a gift that many a women do not possess.
• Extra Salty Sukuma Wiki or Cabbage: - This bride to be has an unbridled taste for salt, it’s never enough, and I am afraid that most of the time you will be the only one tasting the salt in that house.
• Extra hard Lord Supper style Shapeless Chapatis;- One again she’s the only one who can cook this type of chapatis and if you thought the knowledge died with the disciples of Jesus somehow they managed pass the knowledge to her, nobody makes them that hard anymore, if that is not the case the chapati might be a little bit thinner than usual.
• Rare floating Oil Meat Stew: - If she ever cooks meat stew for you, don’t confuse the oil for the soup; the oil is in larger quantity than the water.
• The already Cut out Cake: - For her cakes you might not need a knife, as soon as she is done baking it comes out cracked just take a piece.
• Dark Crusted Rice: - I have had this a lot, and I am not a fan, you might be because it’s all new to you. Somehow some rice sticks to the bottom of the sufuria and the turn’s brown- blackish as soon as she done cooking.
• You should be warned cooking is more of a responsibility than an art after all man must live and she not a chef anyway, though I am sure she would be expelled from cooking school for making a mockery of such a delicate art. So you might be subjected to endless Githeri (don’t buy a fridge), or mchele ya machanganyisho.
“There’s nothing more we can do for you.” The chef would tell her.
• No Milk Tea (Turungi): - she does not milk, so you might have to take care of that for yourself. She is not allergic and if be needed to save her life, like when she accidentally puts boiled water in Jerricans meant for paraffin and drank a couple of glasses before realizing that it tasted funny yet all I needed was one sip to tell that it tasted like paraffin.
• You will get lot boiled water to your advantage.
Apart from her culinary skills, you might want to abide to the following skills; -
o Wash your dirty hands before entering the house, otherwise nobody else will do it for you, there will be a sink outside for late comers so that you don’t bother her.
o She sleeps like a log so you might want to arrive home early.
o Any attempt to enter the house or kitchen when it is being washed will be met by severe backlash.
o Any shoe or other personal effect left hanging around in the kitchen or sitting room will be liable to be thrown out with a single show of mercy.
o Always lie to her about the time of departure otherwise, you will never get there on time unless there is a good reason like some hot gossip about to be shared, and farewells but the rest including hospitals visits and school visiting’s don’t count as emergencies.
o The weaves never leave her head, for some reason she is more comfortable with them than her real hair.
o Do not disturb when watching a soap opera otherwise you will be met by her standard angry expression which includes pumped up cheeks, lips protruding and held together and let’s just say a really bad look before she continues staring and smiling at the television. Also if you find her smiling at the television do not think that she is happy it might be a disguise.
Lastly my In-Law-to –be, Pajamas are the official after work wear; I am yet to her dressed in anything else. I have pictures, does that count as evidence?
Mary M. Kariuki
