Becoming the Other
Posted by Social Matters , Tuesday, December 21, 2010 7:09 AM
Nevertheless, a heart stopped beating that day, a heart that had beat so loudly only a few seconds before, a joyous heart, one that leapt and beat a tad louder that most hearts, a heart full of dreams, a ‘dreamer’, so they called her, if she would have known how painful her death would have been she would never have attempted to go down the path that had lead to such an agonizing demise, its not like she had not died so many times before in the last decade or so.
And a painful death it was indeed, death from a wound inflicted in the house of her friend, her partner, had it been an enemy or better still a stranger that had sought to destroy and kill her, maybe it would not have been as painful as it felt in those dying moments. He had mercilessly raised his knife nay a dagger, or better still a double edged sword and driven it through her heart, not once, twice would have been acceptable but he had done it over and over again, her resigned daze firmly fixed on eyes that were set on destroying everything that she had worked so hard for. With every strike the pain ceased, a rather numbing feeling filled her mind as drifted into the unknown, finally slipping into the darkness that had surrounded her brief and miserable married life, she could clearly see it quickly engulfing not only her heart but every thing and everyone and that ceremony was fading into the darkness as well, it was like she was not there anymore, like she was hearing his voice from a distance.
BUT THEY LIED! There was no bright light at the end of the tunnel, just eternal darkness, there was no peace finally, just eternal condemnation in her heart and mind that made her whole body feel rather sore.
Jackie thought of what they would say at her funeral.
“A bright young woman.” “A hardworking girl indeed.” She pictured, a grey haired, tall man, who walked with a limp and his back bent, an effect of the very trait that the daughter had inherited. Over the past decade she had involved herself in so many business ventures all that greatly succeeded, only for her to stop half way to make room for Anthony’s career. Every step he climbed on the ladder of success, she seemed to go down ten steps.
Such true but incomplete statements, if only they had the courage to say it. “A young bright woman, who was foolish enough to give up the scholarship of a lifetime to study abroad in one of the best universities in the world for a man who thought she wasn’t clever enough,.”
Then her old father would say. “A hardworking but naïve girl, who could have built empires, ruled nations, conquered the hearts of men and women but she didn’t.” she could feel the tears in his voice; she could see the mourners nod in agreement. What a tragic end to a heart that was hopeful to the very end.
Ten years earlier everything seemed to be going according to plan, she had highly excelled in the national examinations, at that point the petite, dark seventeen year old was the talk of their estate, her high school principal was so pleased with Jackie that he used all his connections to secure her a scholarship abroad at one of the best universities in the world and they had readily accepted her.
“What are you going to study?” her pastor had asked her after the three hour long service.
“Law!” she had answered ecstatically.
That was until Antony came along, an everyday guy, college educated, luck seemed to be on his side because he seemed to be landing very good jobs. She saw him once and her young heart was smitten by him, she dived in head first, there was no reasoning to logic when it cane to Antony.
“It’s only four years.” Her father tried to sway a heart convinced of love to no avail.
“Father,” she reasoned with wisdom. “He is going to educate me. There are universities right here in Kenya.”
“Has you father abdicated his role of paying your fees to him.” An angry mother retorted at her stubborn daughter. “We certainly do not need his help in paying your fees.”
Their pleas fell on deaf ears, the charm of a twenty seven year old man, with a few thousand shillings in his account overrode the voice of truth and Jackie eloped, rather moved in with Antony, to everyone’s dismay.
“Anto.” She held the admission letter close to her heart a few months later. “It’s Law again.” She waved the letter excitedly in the air. “It’s for this coming September.”
Antony didn’t look that excited, as a matter of fact he went on reading the newspaper as if she had said nothing.
“Sweetie,” he folded his newspaper neatly. “I am also joining university the evening programme for B-com.”
“That’s great, we can both…”
“No!” he shot her suggestion down as he would do for the next ten years. “I need you to stay at home at least for the next four years, until I am done and then you can go to school.” He started, on noticing the element of surprise in her face, he proceeded to convince her. “I will open a business for you so that you can keep yourself busy as I study.”
At that point she should have ran back to her parents and begged for their forgiveness for being the prodigal daughter, but sweet nothings won over solid evidence.
Four years later, she still dreamt of owning her own law firm despite being a wife and a mother of one while expecting another. She still hoped for great things despite being disowned by her father. Running a small kiosk near their rented flat, which in a matter of months she had transformed into a big duka, her savings were growing and she had found a partner to help her set up a Supermarket, and just when she was about to hit the jack pot, Antony was transferred to another district.
“Let’s go.” He managed to easily convince. “I will support you to open another shop.”
She went on and followed her husband at first begrudgingly, but she truly loved her husband and was willing to set aside everything and follow him even to the depths of the earth, in the darkest abyss that her life seemed to be, she followed, thinking it was his hand she was holding. Her second hand business prospered again, but Antony insisted that she needed to stay at home and take care of the family of five, while he traveled far and wide to do business; he provided everything, for them. Their children attended privately owned schools; the arrangement seemed to work, until Antony graduated with a Masters Degree. Jackie organized for the best party her husband’s money could afford her. Prominent people were invited; they came in state of the art vehicles, bearing gifts that only the affluent could afford to pronounce the names. As for the food, the outside caterer’s hired spared no cent, sweet aroma of Mukimo, fried and roast chicken, chapati, nyama choma among other delicacies filled the air of an otherwise cloudless afternoon.
But as the blue sky turned gray and gray gave in into darkness an aura of imminent betrayal filled Jackie’s heart as he rose to give his graduation speech, it was like he had chosen a sharp dagger ready for his evil deed as he flashed a cheeky but rather beckoning grin at a young woman, seated a few metres away from the high table, sending a freezing chill down Jackie’s spine. The very woman Jackie had gotten accustomed to seeing, because she had been Antony’s classmate ever since he was an undergraduate, tall almost like Antony, light skinned, and had really large dimples that filled her cheeks whenever she laughed, used to be really slim until five years earlier when she had given birth to her five year old daughter, who sat net to her at her husband’s graduation party.
As Antony took the stand it was like a veil was lifted from her eyes, and she could see Antony for who he really was. He wasn’t her better half, rather he was the whole. Marriage was not the union of two becoming one rather one becoming the other. Two halves was just a myth, there had just been the one and the one was Anthony. She had given up so much of herself eventually losing her self in Antony. It had been all about him not them, there was no them, all the sacrifices had been about him, for him. The cold bitter truth struck her hard, tearing painfully into her heart. So that when Anthony asked Lisa to stand, Jackie was ready up. “And now introducing the third pillar of our family.” The knife sank deeper into her heart, the pain was now unbearable, and it was all too painful to swallow. “Lisa! this is my wife legally married at the AG’s office and we have lovely little Natasha to show for it.” Lisa’s dimple lit up her face and she smiled at her little five year old daughter.
He turned to introduce Jackie, but she wasn’t there anymore, he had killed her. “How could you?” she wanted to say. “I gave up everything…” But the dead tell no tales.
But it wasn’t a physical death that could have been way better; she was now the living dead. “He never asked which university I had been admitted to.” The tears gave way to a weary smile, as she packed her clothes into the old bag that she had used ten years earlier. “He never cared, he never did.” She wasn’t as enthusiastic as she had been, her dreams gone, three children, burdens bigger than she could bear, destination unknown. One thing was for sure though, she was never coming back.
And oh yes, her heart dead, never to beat again, its only memory was the sounds of a drum beating from the hills and mountains from a distance.
